PORTER GOSS GOES BYE-BYE OKAY, HERE WE GO... It's kind of pathetic that it may have taken a run-of-the-mill hooker scandal to knock Porter Goss down from his perch atop the CIA totem poll, considering his murky history (as detailed by yours truly in these very pages), which should have precluded him from the job right off the bat. Hip-hip-hooray! It's the third annual FREE COMIC BOOK DAY! Use the FCBD Store Locator to find a friendly comic shop in YOUR neighborhood! Introduce your kids to a lifetime of reading by tricking them with brightly colored images of talking ducks and spandex-ensconced musclemen! It worked for yer old pal Jerky! *** **** *** Yer Old Pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #315: Why kill time when you can kill yourself? *** **** *** The headline for this story -- Korean Scientists Develop Female Android -- is somewhat misleading. Instead, it would have been more truthful to say Korean Scientists Develop Android Based on Their Hilariously Clichéd Ideas of Subservient Asian Womanhood. Basically, they built themselves an anthropomorphic time-share sex receptacle. The implications of this story are pretty fucking staggering. What else are we supposed to call the implanting of false memories into people's minds during interrogation except Mind Control? The only question yer old pal Jerky has now is, can it be done on a mass scale? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY May 1 On this day in 1834, the British abolish slavery in their colonies, say "we're cool, right?", and immediately begin acting as though the last two hundred years had never happened. On this day in 1869, a high-class titty bar called Les Folies Bergères opens its doors in Paris, and they're still in business today, proof positive that titties and naked ladies doing high kicks never go out of style. On this day in 1884, the damn dirty hippies demand an eight-hour workday in the United States. Two years later, in 1886, the damn dirty hippies start a general strike that eventually wins them their goal. The entire planet celebrates this event as May Day/Labor Day, except in the United States, where May 1st has recently been declared National Unquestioning Obedience Day. On this day in 1978, the first ever unsolicited bulk commerical e-mail (SPAM!!!) was sent by a DEC marketing representative to every ARPANET address on the west coast of the United States. I don't know what they were trying to sell, but I bet it somehow involved the penis. On this day in 2006, Puerto Rico runs out of money, forcing the closure of schools and all other government agencies. Good riddance, I say. In a tropical country, you don't really need all that crap, anyway.

THEY SAID IT! "Whenever I hear a Washington insider bemoan the polarization of politics I know that person is either a Republican about to launch a vicious attack on a Democrat, a Democrat terrified of being viciously attacked, or a journalist who just hates all the muss and fuss because it makes picking which parties to attend a trickier business -- choose wrong and some miffed hostess will cross your name off the guest list for a whole month's worth of A-list fiestas." - Blogger Lance Mannion examines one of the many potential reasons for the critical paralysis being exhibited by both participants in and examiners of The Establishment. *** **** *** "I'm just here begging the people of Canada to force your government, because your government works for you, because your government does not work for war profiteers, to allow our soldiers to have sanctuary up here." - During a visit to the Great White North (isn't she worried they won't let her back in?), anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan asks Canadians to grant sanctuary to U.S. military deserters, like the did during the Vietnam era.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope! A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "What did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore because I heard sometimes people like to go have sex in there. When I turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men having sex." "Oh! So you were the asshole with the flashlight?!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Keith for sending in today's second joke. A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Canned Spaghetti... A king, who had three daughters for marriage, made the statement that any prince in the kingdom who could pass certain tests could marry his choice of the three. One of the daughters was a blonde, one a brunette, and one a redhead. All the princes in the kingdom tried to pass the tests and failed. One day Prince Charming came up on his white charger and said to the king, "I understand you have three daughters for marriage." The king said, "Yes, if you pass certain tests." So the king explained the tests to him and Prince Charming went forth into the world. A year later, he came back and told the king of all the dragons he had slain, of all the fair maidens he had rescued, and of all the battles had fought. The king said, "Son, you may have your choice of my daughters for marriage. Which do you choose?" Which do you think was his choice? He chose the king because this really is a fairy tale.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: CORPORATE WELFARE QUEENS care of: ACD Archer Daniels Midland reported the highest profits in company history yesterday, sending its stock price soaring. As most of you know, for nearly a quarter century ADM has been the country’s most egregious welfare queen. Even the righties acknowledge it as such, with the Cato Institute and the National Review, e.g., savaging it regularly. Your tax dollars subsidize ethanol production to the tune of about $5 billion annually, $3 billion of which goes to ADM. Meanwhile, our sugar subsidy makes it nearly three times as expensive as the market rate, so most of your sweetened food uses corn sweetener instead. ADM makes most of the corn sweetener in the country. Over 60 percent of ADM’s revenues come from the U.S. taxpayer, as does nearly 90 percent of its margin. ADM is the largest political donor in U.S. history. While it contributes far more to Republicans, as do most corporations, it also gives generously to the DNC and to popular Democrats. It is the primary underwriter of NPR’s All Things Considered and Jim Lehrer’s nightly NewsHour. It also advertises heavily in Time and Newsweek. Accordingly, ADM is rarely covered negatively. Time Magazine, which has lurched even further toward the radical right than Newsweek over the past 5 years, had this to say about corporate welfare in general, and ADM in particular, in a To Our Readers piece that represents the journal’s official policy position: "Ending corporate welfare as we know it is essential, Rather than give corporations uneven and unfair exemptions, it may make more sense to simply do away with both corporate welfare and corporate taxation." Yeah, you read that right. Under the guise of reining in reckless corporate piggery at the public trough, Time Magazine now advocates abolishing corporate taxes. Golly Gumbucks, Doctor Swampscott, then it will be REALLY hard to pay for immigrant children’s vaccinations, won’t it???? - ACD FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Ciao Jerky, Here I am at a family lunch in Sicily, with my Italian family on Liberation Day (the day which celebrates what I have been told by Americans is the day "we had to save your sorry asses, yet again, from the Germans"). There were seven of us, four very good English speakers, and three Italians, but we are speaking Italian of course. My friend's nephew tells me that at his college they have created a new swearword - "Bush", as in "Bush you!", "Why don't you go and get Bushed!", "Bush off", etc. These are you ordinary next generation Italians whose politics are always extreme, but seldom reach out beyond their borders. As an English-South African-American, I am learning to substitute the word in my invective! Etna Fred [Be careful using that epithet around some of those SISMI guys. Remember the Gladio. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Not to be confused with your recent video (which was pretty gross too)... but another shitty asshole lets loose: Bloomberg Says Power to Seize Private Land Is Vital to Cities. New mantra: So fucked. Mark [New mantra, same as the old mantra. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerkster: Love your picture of Charlie Krapphammer. Any chance I could get an 8" X 10" for my dart board? The Old Fart [I'd love to take credit for that pic, but I stole it from these guys. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Lest we forget, Congress spent $100 million investigating Monica Lewinsky and $12 million investigating 9-11. ACD [Ugh. - Jerky] *** **** *** HEY JERKY: ENOUGH IS TOO DAMN MUCH ALREADY! SEEMS LIKE THE PASSIVE APPROACH IS DUE FOR TEMPORARY ABANDONMENT AND CITIZENS NEED TO REMIND PUBLIC SERVANTS JUST WHERE THEY STAND IN THE GRAND SCHEME. Paraloons [With your all-caps delivery, they're bound to take heed. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; President Bush Is Totally Thinking of Those Angela Merkel Butt Pix Right Now. The scary thing is, Angela Merkel's thinking of George Bush's butt too. It's a mutual gluteal admiration society. (The guy on the left, American Jewish Committee president Robert Goodkind, isn't thinking of anyone's butt. Somebody's gotta focus on the real issues.) Note: The photo of Chancellor Merkel's bare buttocks may not be safe for some workplaces. Depends on whether your sysadmin is an ass guy or not. Mark *** **** *** Hey Jerky; The video of Colbert roasting Bush was PULLED! "Due to copyright infringement" of course. Can wave your magic wand and make a link appear? D. (just D.) [I can't find the the video of the actual performance (for now), but I did find this hilarious video of Bush's grim facial reactions to the whole deal. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com